My Medium Good June

Decisions from the month (the good, the bad, and the medium)

The beginning of June felt chaotic and stretched (in an about-to-snap way, not in a languid way). I had hoped to finish edits on my book by the end of May, but they ended up spilling over into June—which meant that all the post-edit plans & commitments I had made became concurrent-edit plans & commitments. I was forced to do a reset after an insomnia flare-up and brief sickness. Luckily, the end of June felt more productive and grounded, which also meant the month felt long.

Medium Good Decisions

One day this bed will be full of hydrangeas and lilies!

Started gardening

I am a lucky New Yorker with a yard, and after signing my lease for another year, I decided I wanted to put more effort into nurturing the garden plot out back. Plus, I was long overdue for a new hobby. I know almost nothing about gardening, but my best friend’s dad came over with big bags and gloves and years of advice. We weeded, then planted lilies and lavender, basil and rosemary. Soon after, I came across this beautiful piece by

Rosie Spinks

that speaks to many of the things I’m excited about when it comes to gardening: namely, the physical, embodied experience of it, and the time it takes. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to make time feel slower (

Jenny Odell

has a lovely essay on this in

REASONS FOR LIVING with Esmé Weijun Wang

), and tending to a rectangle of dirt feels like a beautiful way to do it.

Would I make this choice again? What I love about this decision is that it will evolve over months and seasons, and maybe, even years. It’s too soon to say how skilled at gardening I’ll become, but I can say that kneeling in soil every few days to weed or give my plants an Aspirin boost (tip courtesy of my friend’s dad!) gives me the two-feet-on-the-ground feeling I often crave.

Co-hosted a bring-a-friend party

My cousin and I love intentional social gatherings—we already switch off every month, hosting each other for pasta dinners + Mary-Kate and Ashley movie nights. Last month, we decided to host a party with just a few friends from each of our respective orbits. The premise was that each of those friends would then bring a non-romantic +1: an interesting person new to these social circles. We wanted to mingle! To expand friend groups! It ended up a delight, with lots of good conversation and new friends.

Would I make this choice again? Our schemes for the next one are already in the works! Before that happens, though, I need to get some more outdoor lighting for my yard. Turns out the six little floodlights I bought did not help much when it got dark, and parties are a bit less (or more?) fun when you can hardly make out one another’s faces.

Gave a talk at an International Society for Psychiatric-Mental Health Nurses (ISPN)

I felt very lucky to join an ISPN meeting as a guest speaker, to speak on my perspective as a suicide loss survivor. Many of the themes I addressed can be found in my TIME essay, but ultimately, I talked about all the questions I had after my father’s death and how now, I believe it’s essential to admit that suicide is not always preventable. It was meaningful to share with nurses who are up close to the challenges of suicide prevention and loss, and to hear from them about the guilt and pressure on the professional side of things. It’s a door to a difficult conversation that, every time I’ve opened, feels like relief.

Would I make this choice again? I want to keep opening this door and having complicated, nuanced conversations—about many things, but especially about mental health and suicide. I felt so motivated to continue my work, and I am so grateful for the work of medical teams. It would be an honor to give a talk like this again.

[If you have groups or events who would appreciate this kind of conversation, I’d love to talk more—please reach out via my website]

Medium Decisions

Half-a-voice but still (mostly) worth it

Hosted quarterly karaoke (sick edition)

This was quite the month of structured socializing, which may be my favorite kind. Every quarter, I plan a karaoke night in Koreatown, and it has become a bit that involves KPIs like CPR (crowd participation rate). I love karaoke, and I love the shtick of corporate karaoke. But I was dealing with lingering sickness for this one, and I should have rescheduled. Exhaustion plus sore-throat is not a winning combination for any kind of karaoke—even when singing well is not the point.

Would I make this choice again? Karaoke will absolutely be back next quarter. I just want to be more conscientious about allowing myself to make adjustments when life happens, instead of prioritizing pushing through.